I'm just a mommy living in a toddlers world

Posts tagged ‘poop’

The Texts You Receive When You’re a Parent

Today I am starting a new category called “The Texts You Receive When You’re a Parent”.  The past couple of weeks I’ve been receiving some pretty entertaining ones from the daycare.

It’s funny how things change.  Just a few years ago, the majority of texts I received would say things like “Want to go out for drinks after work?” and “Want to go shopping on Saturday?”.  Now the only messages I receive deal with pooping and gas, behavior problems, and more pooping.  Ahhh, the joys of parenting.

Crappy Holidays from Doodie.com

My daughter has been navigating my iPhone for quite a while.  Although, I don’t love her burrowing her little nose into the screen, I have to admit I do love the 15 minutes of peace and quiet I get while she watches it.

I figured, how harmful could it be. After all she’s only watching Disney Princess clips on YouTube, right? WRONG!  And so begins my story…

It was just a couple of weeks after my son was born.  My husband and I were so exhausted from the sleep deprivation that we were giving into my daughter a little more than usual, just to avoid a Toddlerzilla moment.  I was pretty much letting her use my phone as much as she wanted, as long as her behavior stayed in check.

We were in the kitchen and realized that she had “disappeared”.  My husband noticed that the bathroom door was opened just a crack and decided to sneak over and investigate.  Sure enough she was in there, sitting on the toilet, watching my phone.  When my husband opened the door she hurried up and pressed the button to turn it off.  Then she fumbled it around her back, trying to hide it.

My husband asked,”What are you up to?  Why are you hiding that?”

She replied,”Nuffing”, but had a shit-eating grin across her face.  We knew she was up to no good.

My husband said,”Let me see the phone, then.”  She shook her head “no” side to side, still clutching the phone behind her back.

Finally he grabbed it from her.  We were not prepared for what we were about to see.  She was watching YouTube alright, but this was no Princess video.

He turned the phone on and went to YouTube.  There we saw a cartoon thumbnail with a man and a woman with her bare butt showing.  “What is this???” we asked her.  She just shrugged her shoulders, still grinning from ear to ear.

My husband played the video.  At first it didn’t look that bad…a little elf, a snowman.  I know my daughter likes Christmas.  Then, the woman with the butt showed up and started pooping.  From that point on it was a non-stop poop fest.  DISGUSTING!

It was one of those things that’s like a bad car accident.  You don’t really want to look, but you just can’t help it!

It was so gross, but also kind of funny at the same time.  At one point, I was laughing so hard I almost popped a stitch.  I had to walk away and couldn’t watch the rest of it.

If you dare, here is the link to the video:

Crappy Holidays 

Lesson learned:  Do not let your children use the internet unsupervised.  They can find anything, ANYTHING, in a matter of seconds and they are WAY smarter than we give them credit for.

Health Care Reform?

The other day I took my son for his 2 month check up.  I have to tell you that I’m not particularly fond of this doctor’s office.  The staff is very cold and I feel rushed every time I’m there.  I know I should find a new pediatrician for the kids, but I have been lazy.  Truth is I had the best pediatrician before we moved and I’m still heartbroken over having to leave her.

While I was waiting the normal half hour in the exam room for the doctor to arrive, I noticed this sign on the wall:

So let me get this straight, I’m bringing my child in for their well visit, which is described as preventative care.  However, during this visit I am not allowed to bring up any questions or concerns that I have???  This does not make sense to me.  Wouldn’t it be proactive for me to discuss any health issues my child is having so I do not have to drag her back to the doctor’s office again?  It’s hard enough to get my daughter in there once a year.  Last time she broke free from my arms and b-lined for the door, trying to escape.

This sign brings me back to this past winter, when I brought my daughter in for a recheck on her ears.  The poor thing cannot make it through cold season without at least a couple of ear infections.  At the time, she was also having some constipation issues.  The child was deathly afraid to poop.  When the time came for her to go, we would sit in the bathroom and wait.  And wait.  And wait.  Then she would begin to cry, hop off the toilet, and go running through the house bare ass and hide.  This would repeat itself for about an hour or two until finally she would painfully push out a little round meatball.  Not fun.

Since we were already at the doctor’s office I thought it would be an opportune time to ask the doctor about this issue.  Someone had suggested to use Miralax and I wanted to check if this was safe for small children.  I explained the situation to the doctor and received a 10 second response – Yes, it’s okay to give her Miralax.  Great.

A month later, I received a bill in the mail from the doctor’s office for $50.  I called my insurance company thinking it must be a mistake.  They explained that the charge was due to a secondary topic being addressed – Constipation.  Are you kidding me????  If I had known it was going to cost me 50 bucks, I would have fed her a diet of prune juice, baked beans, & brussel sprouts and prayed for a soft turd.

I’ll be quite honest, I don’t know jack shit about the Health Care Reform.  Perhaps I should educate myself on this topic because clearly the $150 we pay for insurance each week is not enough.  They now need to nickel and dime us.

Has anyone else had this issue?  I’m wondering if it just this doctor’s office, or if they all charge now for each “topic” you discuss.

“Look, it’s a Tac-o-dile!”

My 3 year old daughter is very independent.  She likes to do everything herself.  Including going to the bathroom.  Whenever I try to help her I usually hear, “I need privacy.  Go over dere in your room.”  Can’t say that I blame her.  After all, who likes an audience when they’re pooping, right?

Most of the time she will call me in for the butt wiping ceremony.  Believe it or not, this is a good thing.  On occasion she does it herself.  This has to be followed by a thorough hand scrubbing.

Yesterday morning after breakfast she started doing a little thing we call the “poo-poo dance”.  After questioning her several times, she finally admitted she had to go.  She was really into this episode of Dora and agreed to go only if I would “crause” her show so she wouldn’t miss the ending.

I helped her get up onto her little princess toilet seat and left her to do her business.  A couple of minutes later I hear yelling,”Mom!  Mom!”, so I ran over thinking something was wrong.  Usually I just get the “I’m done” from her.  I went into the bathroom to see her standing next to the toilet, pointing in at what she had just “created”.  I asked her,”What’s wrong?  Are you okay?”.  She said excitedly,”Look Mom!  It’s like a Tac-o-dile (crocodile) sticking up out of the water!”

Now, I’m not sure if I should be proud that she knows her animals and the habitats they live in or if I should be concerned that she’s examining her poop long enough to figure this out.

Why is it sticking up like that???

Yesterday I went out to lunch with my mother and my 87-year-old grandmother.  I also had the little man with me.  When we got to the restaurant, I pulled him out of his car seat and smelt something not so pleasant.  I decided to change him on the back tail gate as the public restroom changing tables skeev me out.

Instead of heading inside to grab us a table, my family decided that I needed an audience while cleaning poop.  I don’t know if it was the cool breeze, but when I opened the little mans diaper, he was sporting a full on baby boner.  Usually this is a sign that he’s going to start pissing all over the place, so I hurried up and covered it.  I waited a minute and then took the diaper down again.  His little woody was still there.  My mom asked,”Do you need some help?”, then looked over and shrieked,”What is that???  Why is it sticking up like that?”  Mom, if I have to explain this to you then I have no idea how I ended up here in the first place.

With all the commotion going on, my grandmother got curious and decided to peek over.  Her response was,”Oh my.  It’s been a while since I’ve seen one of those.”  Freakin hilarious.  Gotta love the family.