Yes, it is true. I sprayed my boobs with Fooey! Ultra-Bitter Spray to get my daughter to stop breast feeding. I know this may sound cruel, but drastic times call for drastic measures.
Please don’t judge me. You try having a piranha attached to your chest. I was afraid to have a nipple severed!
I gave her 2 years to self-wean and she wasn’t having it. Two Years! The fact is she never had a Lovie or a Blankie to help her fall asleep like most normal kids. Instead, she had my boobie.
My daughter was extremely attached to the boob from the start. At 2 months old, I began introducing the bottle to her in preparation for my return from maternity leave, but she refused it every time. This child was so stubborn, she would go 8 hours without eating. My husband eventually had to take a leave of absence and drive her an hour each way to my work for a lunch time feeding. When I got home at night it was a non-stop milk fest. This went on for about 7 months until finally, Finally, she began to take the bottle.
I should have known that was a sign for the times to come.
My plan was to stop breastfeeding her once she turned one. At this point she was fine during the day with a bottle, but whenever I was around she was attached to my chest like a fly on shit. If I was smart I would have invested in a prosthetic boob like Robert Dinero in Meet the Fockers. I’m sure they’re expensive, but it would have been cheaper than the ten grand I’m going to need to fork out for a boob job.
Worried that she wasn’t self-weaning, I contacted the La Leche League. I told them of my concern that my daughter was too old for breast feeding. The nurse said “It’s wonderful that you’re still breast feeding”. Wonderful? For who? I didn’t want my chest to look like as if a small animal had been gnawing on it. Have you seen Tara Reid’s boob?
After many failed attempts, my husband came up with the genius plan to spray my chest with the bitter spray. This is how it all went down:
My husband went to Petco to see what their were for options. He came home with the bottle of Fooey! I read the bottle and it sounded suitable: “Stops Undesirable Licking, Biting, & Chewing Behavior”. I thought, “Hell, I can even use this when I want him to leave me alone”.
So I sprayed my chest before bedtime, then waited for her to ask for her nighttime snack.
She said: “Mumma, bebe (boobie)”, pulling at my shirt.
I lifted my shirt and let her latch on. She quickly pulled off and said,”Bebe spicy”. My husband and I were trying not to laugh hysterically.
She latched on for a second time, then pulled off again saying,”Bebe bubbly. Mumma, wash it. Wash bebe.” At this point my husband and I were in tears.
She wasn’t giving up. After about 10 minutes, I felt bad and gave in. I washed it off and let her have her nighttime feeding.
To sum it all up, even the Fooey! could not keep this child away! I ended up having to cut her off cold turkey. It was a tough couple of weeks, but eventually she stopped asking for “bebe”. At least she was younger than the kid on Time magazine. Now that’s scary!