I'm just a mommy living in a toddlers world

Archive for the ‘Funny Thing Happened’ Category

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My Apologies…

I would like to apologize to anyone that may have been shopping at Old Navy in my town this past Saturday.  If you had to wait a very long time for a fitting room it just might be because I could not tear my daughter away from the over-sized mirror.  Every article of clothing she tried on constituted a new song and dance.

After 30 minutes I was finally able to coerce her out of the fitting room with promises of not 1, but 2 full size peanut butter cups and a bouncy ball from the giant gum ball machine they strategically have placed in the girls clothing area.  This kid knows how to negotiate!

Just give her a mirror and some music and she can entertain herself for hours!

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One of my Daughter’s Finer Moments

I was at work last Thursday when I received this text from my children’s daycare provider:

Although I was mortified at my daughter’s choice in names, I have to admit I was laughing hysterically when I read this.  I knew she must have picked the word up from somewhere, so I decided to investigate by giving the husband a call.

It seems that he “may have” muttered the words “little bitch” under his breath when she was acting up the other day.  Nice, huh.  Doesn’t he know that she has supersonic ears?  The girl can hear a pigeon fart through a sliding glass door.

Well, I guess she took it as a compliment because she thought it would make a nice name for her new fuzzy friend.  The funny thing is none of the other girls knew it was a “bad” word either.  One of them actually said,”That’s our doggie’s other name”.  Who knew Bitch would become such a popular name for pets?  I wonder if we’ll see it on the Top Pet Names list for 2012.

All I can say is thank God the lady that watches my kids has a good sense of humor.

“Look! Donovan has Boobies.”

The other day, the little man had a nose full of boogies.  I was trying to use the aspirator bulb to suck some of the gook out so he could breathe better.  I ran into the kitchen for a second and left it on the floor.  Big mistake!

My mischievous little princess found the other aspirator in the drawer of the diaper caddy.  She took it out and decided to have some fun with them.

I could hear her giggling in the other room.  I said, “What are you up to now???”

She yelled,”Look, Mommy!  Donovan has boobies!”

I looked over to see her holding both the aspirators on his chest.

My poor baby boy!  He has no idea the years of tormenting that are in store for him.

Hair today, Gone tomorrow

When I was little, my mom taught me that when you find a loose eyelash on someones face, you get to make a wish.  First you pick it up on your finger tip, you make your wish, and then blow the eyelash away.  I remember always being so excited to find one, so I thought I would carry on this tradition with my daughter.

The other night I was washing her face and I found an eyelash on her cheek.  I said,”Look Kai, an eyelash.  Now you have to make a wish before you blow it away.  Make sure you wish for something.”  She got really excited, then puffed up her cheeks and blew it away.

I said,”Did you make your wish?” and she nodded her head, her eyes glowing and a huge grin on her face.

Now do you think my little princess would settle for just one wish?  Oh no, she wanted more.  She said,”Mumma, I need more lashes.”  I told her,”Well, you have to wait until we find another one”.

She started to look around feverishly.  Then she happened to glance down towards the tub.  She shouted,”Oh look, here’s one” as she picked up a small pube.  I almost died laughing.  I wanted to shout for her to put it down, but was in no mood to go through the explanation of why that lash was disgusting.  Or the 100 questions that would follow.  I just let her make her wish and then vowed to wash her hands thoroughly.

She still wasn’t satisfied.  She said again,”Mumma, I want more”.  She then jumped on my lap and before I knew it had latched onto both of my eyebrows.  I screamed,”Let go!” and pulled her little lobster claws away, but not before she managed to rip out a couple of fingerfuls.  I think she got at least five wishes from that move.

All I can say is that I hope one of her wishes was for Mommy to grow more lashes, because I’m pretty sure that I now have a bald spot on my left eyebrow.

“I do these moves all the time!”

My daughter love, love, loves the Just Dance 3 video game for X Box 360 Kinect.  She’s been begging me for weeks now to dance with her and I finally got the okay from the doctor to resume normal physical activity.  I don’t know if this is what you would consider “normal”, but my daughter seems to get a kick out of it.

I have to admit that I really enjoy this game, too.  It’s an excuse for me to make a total and complete ass of myself, while getting some excercise, and entertaining my daughter all at the same time.  I call it multitasking.

I even made an effort to dance with her when I was 9 months pregnant.  I can only imagine what the neighbors thought (they have a good view into our front window).   I must have looked like a giant hippo having a seizure.  My husband has video of this and yes, I will hurt him severely if he shows anyone.

The other night we finally had a chance to try one of the dances we had never done before.  My daughter got real excited during one part and yelled, “Ooh, ooh.  I know this dance move!”

I said,”You do?”  She replied,”Ya, this is my dance move.  I do these moves all the time!”  Then she started dancing like a crazy woman.  She almost took her baby brother out in the process.

I didn’t realize my 3 year old had her own signature move.  It kind of reminds me of Elaine’s dancing on Seinfeld.  The video speaks for itself.  All I have to say is my kid is awesome!

Time for Eye Cream???

I was sitting next to the tub, giving my daughter a bath when she leaned over and gently touched right next to my eye.  She said,”Mommy, you have cracks in your eyes.  Is it because you’re getting old?”  I started to laugh.  Then she leaned in closer for a better look and said,”You have purple (capillaries) on your eyelids.  Just like Grammy.  Grammy’s an old lady.”  I said,”Okay, time to get out.”  I didn’t want to hear what she was going to notice next.

I think it’s time to change to softer lighting in the bathroom.

Toddler Multitasking

I walked into the bathroom and found my daughter in this position.  When I asked her what she was doing she said,”Coloring and practicing my ‘ynastics’ (her plank position for gymnastics).  What a go-getter, learning to multitask at such a young age!

“Look, it’s a Tac-o-dile!”

My 3 year old daughter is very independent.  She likes to do everything herself.  Including going to the bathroom.  Whenever I try to help her I usually hear, “I need privacy.  Go over dere in your room.”  Can’t say that I blame her.  After all, who likes an audience when they’re pooping, right?

Most of the time she will call me in for the butt wiping ceremony.  Believe it or not, this is a good thing.  On occasion she does it herself.  This has to be followed by a thorough hand scrubbing.

Yesterday morning after breakfast she started doing a little thing we call the “poo-poo dance”.  After questioning her several times, she finally admitted she had to go.  She was really into this episode of Dora and agreed to go only if I would “crause” her show so she wouldn’t miss the ending.

I helped her get up onto her little princess toilet seat and left her to do her business.  A couple of minutes later I hear yelling,”Mom!  Mom!”, so I ran over thinking something was wrong.  Usually I just get the “I’m done” from her.  I went into the bathroom to see her standing next to the toilet, pointing in at what she had just “created”.  I asked her,”What’s wrong?  Are you okay?”.  She said excitedly,”Look Mom!  It’s like a Tac-o-dile (crocodile) sticking up out of the water!”

Now, I’m not sure if I should be proud that she knows her animals and the habitats they live in or if I should be concerned that she’s examining her poop long enough to figure this out.

Why is it sticking up like that???

Yesterday I went out to lunch with my mother and my 87-year-old grandmother.  I also had the little man with me.  When we got to the restaurant, I pulled him out of his car seat and smelt something not so pleasant.  I decided to change him on the back tail gate as the public restroom changing tables skeev me out.

Instead of heading inside to grab us a table, my family decided that I needed an audience while cleaning poop.  I don’t know if it was the cool breeze, but when I opened the little mans diaper, he was sporting a full on baby boner.  Usually this is a sign that he’s going to start pissing all over the place, so I hurried up and covered it.  I waited a minute and then took the diaper down again.  His little woody was still there.  My mom asked,”Do you need some help?”, then looked over and shrieked,”What is that???  Why is it sticking up like that?”  Mom, if I have to explain this to you then I have no idea how I ended up here in the first place.

With all the commotion going on, my grandmother got curious and decided to peek over.  Her response was,”Oh my.  It’s been a while since I’ve seen one of those.”  Freakin hilarious.  Gotta love the family.

Sex. Um, no thanks.

Tuesday I had my 5 week postpartum checkup with my OB/Gyn.  Basically, this is a follow-up visit where the doctor asks you a bunch of questions to see how you’re coping both mentally & physically after child-birth.  They then give you an internal exam to make sure everything is “back to normal”.  Yay, lots of fun.  I’m not sure why I get so nervous about these visits.  You would think that after 9 months of people shoving their hands up my hoo-haw I wouldn’t be so modest, but I still get very uncomfortable.  I feel like a twelve-year-old girl who is getting the sex talk for the first time.  It’s just awkward.  Well, here is how the visit went:

The first question out of the doctor’s mouth was,”Have you had intercourse yet?”.  Um, noooo.  I can barely cough, sneeze, and laugh without doubling over in pain nevermind having a 200lb man flailing around on top of me.  I think if he tried to come near me at this point my vagina would grow teeth and bite his wiener right off.

Then she asks,”Would you like to be on birth control?”.  I politely said “No thanks”.  For the rare occasion when the “magic” does happen, I’ll use other measures.  I call it the “pull out” method.  My husband calls it “dick control”.

The doctor then asks, “Well, what will you use for birth control?”  I say, “I have two children under the age of 3.  Isn’t that enough?” giggling.  She didn’t seem amused.  I then went on to say, “My daughter still sleeps in the bed with us (my husband has lovingly nicknamed her Cock Block).  I’m still not quite sure how I ended up pregnant the 2nd time.”  Still no laughing – it was a tough crowd.

At this point I felt pressured to act like an adult, so I told her,”We will use condoms”.  This is BS.  My husband once told me at the beginning of our relationship that they strangle his dick.  I might as well be throwing a plastic bag over his head and suffocating him.  Yes- he is a drama queen.

The doctor then says,”Okay, great, condoms”.  Now it was time for the exam.  She tells me,”Just lay back and relax”.  I love how they tell you to relax.  Lady, you have your hand shoved up my vagina and you didn’t even buy me dinner.  Get me a drink, and then I’ll relax.  She then says,”You’re clenching up.”  I want to say “Yes, I’m clenching up.  You know why???  Because it fucking hurts!!!!”.  But the polite me says,”Oh, sorry” as I try to relax.

Finally the exam is over.  She tells me,”Everything looks good.  You are fine to resume with intercourse after 6 weeks.”  Greeaaat, just the news I wanted to hear.  Can I at least get a couple months off???  It’s bad enough I have a kid attached to my boob for 10 hours a day.  Now you want me to “entertain” the husband, too?

I talked to the hubby later that afternoon and he eagerly asked,”So what did she say?  Did you get the okay?”.  I told him,”Everything looks good, but I still have some swelling.  She thinks it would be best to wait until 8 weeks to prevent any damage to my incision.”  So I lied.  Sue me.  Another 2 weeks won’t kill him, right?  Hopefully by then I’ll be in the mood.