Tuesday I had my 5 week postpartum checkup with my OB/Gyn. Basically, this is a follow-up visit where the doctor asks you a bunch of questions to see how you’re coping both mentally & physically after child-birth. They then give you an internal exam to make sure everything is “back to normal”. Yay, lots of fun. I’m not sure why I get so nervous about these visits. You would think that after 9 months of people shoving their hands up my hoo-haw I wouldn’t be so modest, but I still get very uncomfortable. I feel like a twelve-year-old girl who is getting the sex talk for the first time. It’s just awkward. Well, here is how the visit went:
The first question out of the doctor’s mouth was,”Have you had intercourse yet?”. Um, noooo. I can barely cough, sneeze, and laugh without doubling over in pain nevermind having a 200lb man flailing around on top of me. I think if he tried to come near me at this point my vagina would grow teeth and bite his wiener right off.
Then she asks,”Would you like to be on birth control?”. I politely said “No thanks”. For the rare occasion when the “magic” does happen, I’ll use other measures. I call it the “pull out” method. My husband calls it “dick control”.
The doctor then asks, “Well, what will you use for birth control?” I say, “I have two children under the age of 3. Isn’t that enough?” giggling. She didn’t seem amused. I then went on to say, “My daughter still sleeps in the bed with us (my husband has lovingly nicknamed her Cock Block). I’m still not quite sure how I ended up pregnant the 2nd time.” Still no laughing – it was a tough crowd.
At this point I felt pressured to act like an adult, so I told her,”We will use condoms”. This is BS. My husband once told me at the beginning of our relationship that they strangle his dick. I might as well be throwing a plastic bag over his head and suffocating him. Yes- he is a drama queen.
The doctor then says,”Okay, great, condoms”. Now it was time for the exam. She tells me,”Just lay back and relax”. I love how they tell you to relax. Lady, you have your hand shoved up my vagina and you didn’t even buy me dinner. Get me a drink, and then I’ll relax. She then says,”You’re clenching up.” I want to say “Yes, I’m clenching up. You know why??? Because it fucking hurts!!!!”. But the polite me says,”Oh, sorry” as I try to relax.
Finally the exam is over. She tells me,”Everything looks good. You are fine to resume with intercourse after 6 weeks.” Greeaaat, just the news I wanted to hear. Can I at least get a couple months off??? It’s bad enough I have a kid attached to my boob for 10 hours a day. Now you want me to “entertain” the husband, too?
I talked to the hubby later that afternoon and he eagerly asked,”So what did she say? Did you get the okay?”. I told him,”Everything looks good, but I still have some swelling. She thinks it would be best to wait until 8 weeks to prevent any damage to my incision.” So I lied. Sue me. Another 2 weeks won’t kill him, right? Hopefully by then I’ll be in the mood.