The Mermaid and the Shrimp

So, I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus from blogging lately.  It has been a very crazy month, or two.  I never realized just how much work it is having two kids.  It’s no joke when people say that having another child is like having 10 more.  Add a full-time job into the mix and there is little or no time spare.  My weekends are now a rat-race of Target runs, tackling piles of laundry, and trying to spend some time with the kids.  Needless to say there hasn’t been any time left to write.

There is one thing I insisted on finding time for and that was making my daughter’s Halloween costume.  She had been talking for months about being Ariel, the Little Mermaid.  I brought her to the Disney store and asked her if she liked the Ariel dresses they had.  She said,”No mumma.  I want to be Ariel the mermaid.  I need a looong green tail and seashell boobies.”  Well, not sure if you’ve ever looked for a mermaid costume for a toddler, but none of them have tails.  I decided to get to work.  After a couple sleepless weekends, I was able to transform the little princess into the mermaid she wanted to be.  I found a great shrimp costume for the little man, so the two were a perfect pair.

Why Kids Got it Made

Ready to shop

Yesterday I was having lunch with a coworker and he was telling me how his daughter told him the night before that she couldn’t wait to be a grown-up.  He asked her why and she responded “so I can stay up real late like you and watch t.v.”.    He started laughing and said “It’s not by choice, honey.  It’s called insomnia.”  This got me thinking… kids really have a warped view of what it’s like to be an adult.

I remember as a child I could not wait to grow up so I could “do whatever I want, whenever I want”.  I think that is the perception that most kids have.  And it could not be more wrong.  Guess what???  After 30-something years, I’m still waiting for that day!  Now, not only do I have a boss at work telling me what to do, but a husband and two little tyrants at home.

Kids really do not know how good they have it.  Toddlers in particular.  They have got it made.  Here is the evidence to back my theory:

1. They can say whatever is on their mind.  My daughter has no problem walking into a public restroom and announcing very loudly that it ‘stinks like poop’, while the person in the next stall clearly has not finished (yes, she’s done this).  If I say it, I’m considered rude.
2. If they fart, people laugh and think it’s cute.  If I fart, people think I’m disgusting and scatter like cockroaches.
3. They can wear the craziest things.  My daughter wears a tutu, a tiara, plastic heels, and carries a wand when we go shopping at Target.  People stop to say “how adorable”.  I dress like that and they’ll be bringing in the men in white coats to get me.
4. They get breakfast, lunch, and dinner made for them.  Breakfast for me is licking the peanut butter off the knife and I’ve been known to call a Milky Way lunch.
5. Someone wipes their ass.  Okay, I don’t have anything for this one.  Personally I don’t mind wiping my own.  It’s just the fact that I don’t like wiping their’s.
6. They make messes and other people pick them up.  My car’s been a mess for 2 years.  I’m still waiting for the mice to eat the raisins and Cheerios off the floor (yes, there was a mouse living in my car- a story for another time).
7. They have their own personal stylist.  I would LOVE to have outfits laid out for me every morning.  It sure would reduce the amount of days that I’m late for work.
8. They get naptime.  Are you kidding me?  What I wouldn’t do to have someone come around everyday at 1pm to tell me it’s nappy time.

So there it is.  I’ve pled my case.

Feel free to add to my list.  Why does your kid have it made?

“What’s up your nose?”

This morning we were on our way to gymnastics, our usual Saturday morning routine.  My husband looked in the rear view mirror only to see Kaiya digging furiously into her left nostril.  He said, “Get your fingers outta your nose” and then looked back to the road.  She’s been sick and had a runny nose all week.  I handed her a tissue and said “Here, use this.  Not your finger”.

She took the tissue and wiped her nose.  I checked back a minute later and saw her jamming her finger up there again.  I said,”Stop picking.  That’s gross!“.

Then she whimpered,”I’m trying to get the raisin out”.  Oh, did I mention she was eating a box of raisins?

I said,”What raisin?  You did not just stick a raisin up your nose, did you?”.

She nodded her head up and down.  Then half crying said,”Mumma, it won’t come out”.

I looked at my husband and said,”You gotta be shitting me.  Not again!”.  We just had an incident with a popcorn kernel a few months ago.  And if I remember correctly, it was also the left nostril.

I hopped into the back seat, grabbed a tissue, and blocked her right nostril.  “Blow!”, I yelled.  She started to cry,”Mumma, it’s stuck!”

“Stop crying and blow harder”, I said.  One big blow and out came the biggest snot-covered raisin I’d ever seen.

“There it is”, I said and showed my daughter the booger-covered raisin on the tissue.  “Let me see”, she said “I want to hold it”.

I handed her the tissue with the raisin and said “Don’t you dare eat it!”.  She’s been known to eat a booger or two in her time, so I would not put it past her to eat the raisin.

All I can say is, thank god it came out and we didn’t need to take a trip to the ER.

Have your kids ever stuck anything up their nose?

The Texts You Receive When You’re a Parent

Today I am starting a new category called “The Texts You Receive When You’re a Parent”.  The past couple of weeks I’ve been receiving some pretty entertaining ones from the daycare.

It’s funny how things change.  Just a few years ago, the majority of texts I received would say things like “Want to go out for drinks after work?” and “Want to go shopping on Saturday?”.  Now the only messages I receive deal with pooping and gas, behavior problems, and more pooping.  Ahhh, the joys of parenting.

One of my Daughter’s Finer Moments

I was at work last Thursday when I received this text from my children’s daycare provider:

Although I was mortified at my daughter’s choice in names, I have to admit I was laughing hysterically when I read this.  I knew she must have picked the word up from somewhere, so I decided to investigate by giving the husband a call.

It seems that he “may have” muttered the words “little bitch” under his breath when she was acting up the other day.  Nice, huh.  Doesn’t he know that she has supersonic ears?  The girl can hear a pigeon fart through a sliding glass door.

Well, I guess she took it as a compliment because she thought it would make a nice name for her new fuzzy friend.  The funny thing is none of the other girls knew it was a “bad” word either.  One of them actually said,”That’s our doggie’s other name”.  Who knew Bitch would become such a popular name for pets?  I wonder if we’ll see it on the Top Pet Names list for 2012.

All I can say is thank God the lady that watches my kids has a good sense of humor.

Crappy Holidays from Doodie.com

My daughter has been navigating my iPhone for quite a while.  Although, I don’t love her burrowing her little nose into the screen, I have to admit I do love the 15 minutes of peace and quiet I get while she watches it.

I figured, how harmful could it be. After all she’s only watching Disney Princess clips on YouTube, right? WRONG!  And so begins my story…

It was just a couple of weeks after my son was born.  My husband and I were so exhausted from the sleep deprivation that we were giving into my daughter a little more than usual, just to avoid a Toddlerzilla moment.  I was pretty much letting her use my phone as much as she wanted, as long as her behavior stayed in check.

We were in the kitchen and realized that she had “disappeared”.  My husband noticed that the bathroom door was opened just a crack and decided to sneak over and investigate.  Sure enough she was in there, sitting on the toilet, watching my phone.  When my husband opened the door she hurried up and pressed the button to turn it off.  Then she fumbled it around her back, trying to hide it.

My husband asked,”What are you up to?  Why are you hiding that?”

She replied,”Nuffing”, but had a shit-eating grin across her face.  We knew she was up to no good.

My husband said,”Let me see the phone, then.”  She shook her head “no” side to side, still clutching the phone behind her back.

Finally he grabbed it from her.  We were not prepared for what we were about to see.  She was watching YouTube alright, but this was no Princess video.

He turned the phone on and went to YouTube.  There we saw a cartoon thumbnail with a man and a woman with her bare butt showing.  “What is this???” we asked her.  She just shrugged her shoulders, still grinning from ear to ear.

My husband played the video.  At first it didn’t look that bad…a little elf, a snowman.  I know my daughter likes Christmas.  Then, the woman with the butt showed up and started pooping.  From that point on it was a non-stop poop fest.  DISGUSTING!

It was one of those things that’s like a bad car accident.  You don’t really want to look, but you just can’t help it!

It was so gross, but also kind of funny at the same time.  At one point, I was laughing so hard I almost popped a stitch.  I had to walk away and couldn’t watch the rest of it.

If you dare, here is the link to the video:

Crappy Holidays 

Lesson learned:  Do not let your children use the internet unsupervised.  They can find anything, ANYTHING, in a matter of seconds and they are WAY smarter than we give them credit for.

Hair today, Gone tomorrow

When I was little, my mom taught me that when you find a loose eyelash on someones face, you get to make a wish.  First you pick it up on your finger tip, you make your wish, and then blow the eyelash away.  I remember always being so excited to find one, so I thought I would carry on this tradition with my daughter.

The other night I was washing her face and I found an eyelash on her cheek.  I said,”Look Kai, an eyelash.  Now you have to make a wish before you blow it away.  Make sure you wish for something.”  She got really excited, then puffed up her cheeks and blew it away.

I said,”Did you make your wish?” and she nodded her head, her eyes glowing and a huge grin on her face.

Now do you think my little princess would settle for just one wish?  Oh no, she wanted more.  She said,”Mumma, I need more lashes.”  I told her,”Well, you have to wait until we find another one”.

She started to look around feverishly.  Then she happened to glance down towards the tub.  She shouted,”Oh look, here’s one” as she picked up a small pube.  I almost died laughing.  I wanted to shout for her to put it down, but was in no mood to go through the explanation of why that lash was disgusting.  Or the 100 questions that would follow.  I just let her make her wish and then vowed to wash her hands thoroughly.

She still wasn’t satisfied.  She said again,”Mumma, I want more”.  She then jumped on my lap and before I knew it had latched onto both of my eyebrows.  I screamed,”Let go!” and pulled her little lobster claws away, but not before she managed to rip out a couple of fingerfuls.  I think she got at least five wishes from that move.

All I can say is that I hope one of her wishes was for Mommy to grow more lashes, because I’m pretty sure that I now have a bald spot on my left eyebrow.

Health Care Reform?

The other day I took my son for his 2 month check up.  I have to tell you that I’m not particularly fond of this doctor’s office.  The staff is very cold and I feel rushed every time I’m there.  I know I should find a new pediatrician for the kids, but I have been lazy.  Truth is I had the best pediatrician before we moved and I’m still heartbroken over having to leave her.

While I was waiting the normal half hour in the exam room for the doctor to arrive, I noticed this sign on the wall:

So let me get this straight, I’m bringing my child in for their well visit, which is described as preventative care.  However, during this visit I am not allowed to bring up any questions or concerns that I have???  This does not make sense to me.  Wouldn’t it be proactive for me to discuss any health issues my child is having so I do not have to drag her back to the doctor’s office again?  It’s hard enough to get my daughter in there once a year.  Last time she broke free from my arms and b-lined for the door, trying to escape.

This sign brings me back to this past winter, when I brought my daughter in for a recheck on her ears.  The poor thing cannot make it through cold season without at least a couple of ear infections.  At the time, she was also having some constipation issues.  The child was deathly afraid to poop.  When the time came for her to go, we would sit in the bathroom and wait.  And wait.  And wait.  Then she would begin to cry, hop off the toilet, and go running through the house bare ass and hide.  This would repeat itself for about an hour or two until finally she would painfully push out a little round meatball.  Not fun.

Since we were already at the doctor’s office I thought it would be an opportune time to ask the doctor about this issue.  Someone had suggested to use Miralax and I wanted to check if this was safe for small children.  I explained the situation to the doctor and received a 10 second response – Yes, it’s okay to give her Miralax.  Great.

A month later, I received a bill in the mail from the doctor’s office for $50.  I called my insurance company thinking it must be a mistake.  They explained that the charge was due to a secondary topic being addressed – Constipation.  Are you kidding me????  If I had known it was going to cost me 50 bucks, I would have fed her a diet of prune juice, baked beans, & brussel sprouts and prayed for a soft turd.

I’ll be quite honest, I don’t know jack shit about the Health Care Reform.  Perhaps I should educate myself on this topic because clearly the $150 we pay for insurance each week is not enough.  They now need to nickel and dime us.

Has anyone else had this issue?  I’m wondering if it just this doctor’s office, or if they all charge now for each “topic” you discuss.

Stupid Kid Tricks: Pen Catapult

My daughter has a variety of talents. We can proudly add catapulting a pen from her nose to this list.

Outsmarted Again!

My daughter has become quite the little wise guy lately.  She’s constantly behaving badly to try to get a rise out of me.  Many of her actions are down right annoying, but every now and then I can’t help but laugh a little.  It reminds me of when my brother and I used to play pranks on my parents, but I think we were a little bit older than her.  This one’s quite crafty for her age.

When I picked her up from daycare the other day she thought it would be funny if she locked me out of the car.  Now she has done this to me before.  When I was late bringing her to gymnastics class.  In the middle of winter.  And it was snowing.  Not funny.

Usually I’ll hoist her little butt up and she’ll climb into her carseat herself.  On this day, I lifted her up into the car, but before I knew it she had hopped into the driver’s seat and slammed the lock down with her chubby little fingers.  I told her to open the door. Her response sounded a little like “Ne, ner, ne, ner, ne, ne” as she started pawing my window with her other hand.

I could tell she wasn’t giving in easily.  I started to go around the car to open the passenger side, but she beat me to it.  Just as I reached for the handle… Slam!…she pressed down the other lock.  That little girl can move fast!

She then started laughing and dancing around.  She was having a grand old time in there.  Beeping the horn, pressing buttons, turning all the knobs.  She had more fun than she does at an amusement park.  Next time I’ll lock her in the car for an hour instead of wasting my money at Chuck E. Cheese.  At least then she won’t contract the plague from some booga-nose kid.

I admit, I did crack a smile at first, but after 10 minutes of chasing her around from side to side, my patience was beginning to wear thin.  Then something devastating happened.  The-Baby-Dropped-His-Binky.

Oh yes, did I fail to mention that the little one was trapped in the car during all of this commotion.  He began screaming at the top of his lungs.  She was still jumping from side to side, bouncing around like a ping-pong ball.  At this point I began shouting out threats:  “If you don’t open this door, no Oreos for you”, “I’m going to give your Slushy Magic away”, “That’s it.  No Dora tonight.”……

Twenty minutes later, we were still in front of the daycare.  All of the parents had come and gone.  I then saw the garage door open and my daycare provider pulling out.  I had an idea.  I told my daughter that she was driving over to get her since she was being so bad and that now she wasn’t going to be able to come home with me tonight.  Okay, this may have been a little mean, but it did the trick.  She caved and finally opened the door.  I was able to give the baby his binky and peace was restored.

The next morning my daycare provider asked. “What happened yesterday?  Why were you outside for so long?”  I replied.” Oh, just Kaiya being Kaiya.”